Talkin' 'Bout My Resolutions

I just stepped into the year of 2016 along with everyone else who is alive on this planet.  Back when I had the world by the tail in 1971, 2016 wasn’t even on my radar.  It’s been a while since I had the world by the tail.  I probably never really had it by the tail, I just thought I did.  Since then, there have been times when it truly had me by the tail.  That brings me to New Year’s resolutions.  We take this somewhat arbitrary turn of a page to look back and look forward and way too many of us make some unbelievably optimistic plans and commitments for the New Year.  We are going to stop all of the bad stuff and start all of the good stuff in earnest, and not in a passive way at all.  We are going to grab this New Year by the short hairs (a not so polite Southern Term I believe) and not let go until we are skinny, fit, have our finances and relationships in order and are riding high above all the clouds and negative stuff in life.

I’ve never really been a New Year’s resolution sort of person.  I know myself.  I know that I am not disciplined in that way.  I am a dilettante, a dabbler, a hobbyist if you will.  If I were to say that I was going to research various and odd subjects and try 2 or three new hobbies in the New Year and totally enjoy the heck out of them, I could nail it.  That’s what I do.  But to say I am going to get totally fit and loose a thousand pounds (that’s not so much of a stretch) etc., I can’t commit because I know it won’t happen, or if it does happen, and it has at times, it won’t stick.  I’m not that disciplined of a person.  Life things get in the way.  And that’s the truth for most of us.  For too many of us, I think the New Year’s resolution is based on the idea that we have not been too successful at life; maybe even failures in many ways, but!..Beyond this turn of the page, we are not going to be failures!  We are going to be Successful at Life! (Insert very dramatic low voiced reverb/echo here).

I’m tired of looking at life that way.  I’m tired of looking at the New Year that way.  Yes, it is good to have a set point in time to look back and look ahead, but I refuse to say, “I am or have been a failure, but from now on, boy, I’m going to nail it!”  I haven’t been a failure.  I may not have succeeded in the areas that the world and its marketing scheme seems to think are important.  I may not have been as successful in every area of life that is personally important to me.  But, I refuse to accept that I am a failure and that I need a complete and total turn around to get my life in order.

So, looking into this New Year, what can I say about life?  I can commit to living my life, not according to the world and its marketing schemes, but according to me, the choices I choose, measured by the metrics I can accept for myself.  Do I plan to improve?  Yes, I do, but my improvement will hopefully be in the areas of being a better person in my own life…a better husband to my wife…a better father to my adult children and their spouses…a better family member to my extended family…a better friend to those I consider friends and those who call me friend…a better citizen to the world around me—especially to those in need…a better member of God’s natural creation…a better member of God’s Kingdom…and especially, a better me as I understand me to be.

I know, going to the gym every day or losing 50 pounds may be easier than this sounds, but I believe that even a small improvement in any or all of these areas will improve not only me, but everyone and everything around me.

I also want to get a radio controlled drone in 2016.

I'm Dreaming of a Weird Christmas Tree Ornament

While decorating the tree this year, I started wondering if other people have weird ornaments like we do.

 I’m not talking the ugly dried marshmallow snowman that one of the children brought home from kindergarten, or the strange needle point and pipe cleaner bee that Aunt whatshername made for everyone one year and checked to see if you put it on the tree every time she came to visit.  I’m talking about weird ornaments with a capital “W” that you and your family purposefully chose to put on the tree.

We went through a phase with the children that we would work to find a special ornament that would commemorate that year.  We would mark the year on it and hang it on the tree.  We did that for years with some truly strange results.  One year, of course, we found an ornament with Santa kneeling at the manger.  That was nice.  The next year, however,  we found an ornament that looked like a drunken reindeer with angel wings riding a shooting star like a carnival ride.  See what I mean?  Have any of you done that?  Just wondering.

Here’s a list of some of the stranger ornaments we have come across.

• We have a Santa pig riding a giant ear of corn like a rocket ship on top of a wagon.  This one looks like a float in a parade in Iowa or Nebraska.

• We have a strange dragonfly fairy with moving arms and legs that looks more like it would be found down the rabbit hole than in a Christmas scene.

• To celebrate my Southern roots, I guess, we have a Santa Face made out of a dried Okra pod.  I think it’s a waste of good Okra myself.

• We also, have milder ones like a tear drop camper ornament.  That’s kinda cute, actually.

My father-in-law got into the act for a few years and gave me…

• A big bull frog ornament dressed up like a fly fisherman

• A Turkey dressed up like a hunter.  Get it?  Turkey hunter?  Yeah, he’s funny that way.

• And another weird turkey hunting themed ornament.

Don’t get me wrong, we have plenty of the “normal” Christmassy themed ornaments, but they just seem to fade in comparison to the “other” ornaments on the tree.  I mean, how can you calmly settle your brains and have dreams of sugar plums when you know such things as a…

• Flying Angel Armadillo,

• a Spooky Druid Claus made out of a birch branch with cardinals nested in knot holes in the abdomen of his branch body, 

• Or a bizarre Drum with spindly legs and arms and very strange face coming out of the side of the drum, 

…are out there hanging on your tree, waiting to turn your peaceful Christmas slumber into something akin to a drug induced nightmare?

Next year, maybe just a pre-lit tree with round balls in a monochromatic theme.  Admittedly, not much character, but maybe I’ll be able to sleep during the season.

And to all a good night!

Toxic is Toxic

I took a new job recently.  It is a good job.  I am engineering manager for a composite fiberglass manufacturing company.  What that means is, we make many different types of commercial and industrial things out of laminated fiberglass.  It’s interesting work—a little different than what I’ve done for most of my career, but interesting nonetheless.  I will forego the discussion of how I stepped into a firestorm when I started there three months ago.  It is finally mellowing out and I feel that I/we, the management team, are finally getting a handle on it all.  I am foregoing that discussion to deal with the topic at hand.  That topic is toxic environments.


It turns out that though the facility is set up with the best of air filtration and complies with the strict guidelines for dust, fumes and emissions set for such places, the environment seems to be physically toxic to me.  To explain, I have slowly developed some asthmatic symptoms as I have aged, and I have struggled with asthmatic bronchitis since shortly after I started here.  Once I was treated with antibiotics, codeine and inhalers.  Just recently, on a return visit, I got another, more powerful inhaler.  The place is not toxic to everyone.  Fifty other people work there with no problem at all, but I have a problem and it seems to be related to the environment.
What does one do in such a situation?  We tend to have pretty cut and dried answers to what to do about physical toxicity.  Poison ivy?  Avoid it.  Hornets’ nest?  Run away.  Allergic to peanuts?  Don’t eat a PB&J.


What can I do?  All things being equal, I would do what sane people do, step away from the toxin or in this case the job that presents the toxin.  I could look for another job, but that’s not so easy at my age of 62.  I could keep taking the meds and hope they stave off the coughing and make things better, but I’m not real happy about taking medications that have big WARNINGS on them that they have been known to cause death in users.  This medication also contains an ingredient that tends to make me ravenous.  My waist line and general health does not need that.


I do have dear Christian friends praying for me.  They are praying for me to be healed from this asthmatic problem so that I may stay at my job, and I have to say, I do believe in prayer.  If the healing does not come, however, I have some decisions to make…some tough decisions to make.
So, yes, we act reasonably and avoid that which is toxic to us physically.  No one in their right mind would continue in an environment that is detrimental to their health and physical wellbeing (tobacco and possibly alcohol abuse are another issue).  There are, however, other toxic environments that we don’t shy away from so easily.  Some we don’t recognize as toxic.  Some we may have an idea that they are toxic, but for some reason we don’t back off or escape.  I’m talking about those situations and environments that are toxic to us emotionally or even spiritually.


On the emotional level, just watch the news.  It's too easy to realize that the classroom and the relational system built around school can be very toxic.  It is toxic on many levels.  My wife and I, being quite involved in our children's lives found, to our surprise that teachers can be a part of the toxicity of the educational system.  Not all teachers, but a few definitely are.  Then there are those who are targeted by bullies.  For them, life can be hell and if the targeted child doesn’t have allies, at least in parents if no one else, this environment can be devastating and have lifelong effects…sometimes even leading to suicide.  I have some friends whose child has been targeted by bullies for way too long.  Their choice, though costly and difficult, was to sell their house and move to a new school district for the betterment of their son.  I applaud them and pray for their son.


Other emotionally toxic environments that I remember and many other people have in their lives, as well, are toxic work environments.  These are usually set by someone in a management position.  Sometimes the immediate supervisor, but other times a whole environment is built by the neurosis or dysfunction of the upmost management or ownership.  I’ve experienced two stellar examples in my career.  These situations were harmful to me and everyone else around.  I ended up getting away to tell about it.  What is hard to understand is those who stay, knowing that it is toxic…complaining about it constantly…but not doing anything about it.  They stay in the emotional toxic sludge and day by day their emotional being is eroded by the sickness being perpetuated upon them.


In the work environment, there are also other toxic people who can affect you.  There are coworkers who love to build themselves up by tearing you down.  These people are emotional bullies.  Their tactics may be very subtle, but they are effective and can eat away at a person’s self esteem and well being until they feel like nothing.  Again, some people are healthy enough to do something about it.  They fight back or find a way to get away.  Others don’t feel they have the power to fight back or for some reason don’t think they can leave.  Laws have become much better in efforts to keep this out of the work place and even classroom environments, but it still exists.


There is one more toxicity that we don’t realize too often, and if we do, we don’t want to admit it or talk about it; that is spiritual toxicity…environments that are toxic to the spiritual well being of the individual.  We are spiritual beings and we desire a connection with “The Spiritual”.  We usually find ourselves in institutions of sorts that claim to help us with that need/desire.  The problem is, many times, the institutions, or their higher organizations, or their individual local expressions are toxic.  It’s easy for us to sit back and look at the “cults” in the news and know that they are toxic and should be avoided.  “Those people are crazy and those inside have been duped!”  It happens in other accepted and established spiritual environments, though.  Churches where the leadership is very autocratic and set up environments that demand more than encourage.  These systems use shame, inclusion versus exclusion, and other manipulations to control people, their beliefs, their finances, and their behavior.  These systems have in/out, good/bad, with us/against us mentality.  These systems see the individual as something, not someone, and they see it as something to be controlled.  Some of these systems preach a freedom, but their practice is constraint and control.


Spiritual toxicity can be very subtle and one can get sucked in before they know it.  It sometimes speaks to some other hungry dysfunction in an individual’s life.  Being as such, it can be very hard to identify and break away from.  The questions that need to be answered when asking oneself if this is a spiritually toxic environment are, “Does my spirit feel fuller or hungrier than before?  Do I feel closer to The Spiritual or farther away, or just stuck in a spiritual quagmire?  Do I feel that the ability to encounter The Spiritual is completely dependent on my efforts alone, or is The Spiritual actively working to move closer to me?”  There are probably others, but this will get one started.  Being born into such a toxic spiritual environment makes it very difficult to identify and even harder to walk away.


I am a person of faith.  I hesitate to use the term Christian because of the connotations that term carries in the Western World today.  I try to call myself a Biblical Follower of Jesus.  So, when I talk about “The Spiritual” above, I am talking about experiencing God through Jesus Christ.  Yes, many “Christian” churches and even denominations are spiritually toxic if looked at in light of the definition above.  They are not the only ones, however.  That is why I used the term, “The Spiritual” where I did.


Bottom line?  I have a physical reaction to my physical work environment.  It may be able to be treated.  I may be healed according to the prayers of my friends.  If not, I have a decision to make.  That decision is, for my own health and well being; get away from the toxic environment.  It’s a no brainer.  Staying away from poison ivy…avoiding a hornet’s nest...not playing in traffic are all no brainers.  We always try to avoid that which is physically “bad” for us.


But what about the emotionally and especially the spiritually toxic environments?  I would say, do as I had to do with my bronchial condition.  Take stock.  It wasn’t hard for me to realize I was coughing…a lot.  Why?  Because my new work environment was toxic to me.  Is your work, or school, or social surrounding causing you emotional problems?  Is it possible that the environment is toxic to you?  Is it building you up or tearing you down emotionally?  If it’s tearing you down emotionally, it may be something to get away from.


If your pursuit of “The Spiritual” is tearing you down and frustrating you spiritually, you may be in a spiritually toxic situation and need to get away.


We find it easy to avoid hurtful and toxic things if they are physical.  For our own good, we need to be able to look into the emotional and spiritual areas of our existence and be honest with ourselves whether they are beneficiary or toxic to our beings.  If they are toxic we need to step away.  If their toxicity has affected us to the point that we are suffering either emotionally or spiritually, we need to find treatment and/or healing to some extent.


Toxic is toxic.  Whether it be physically, emotionally or spiritually; and it is to be avoided.  To quote a line from Monty Python’s The Holy Grail, when confronted with toxicity in any part of your life, “Run away!  Run away!”

MY NEST SEEMS TO BE EMPTY

There is something I realized lately and feel it would be good to share and/or talk about.  My wife Gayle and I, she being the patient, are now in the post treatment and recovery stage of her cancer.  It’s great.  It is behind us for the most part.  Time to get on with life now, she to work and me to?????  Yeah, that’s the problem.  Me to what?  For the last 16 months, I have devoted myself to her as she got totally put through the meat grinder of Cancer treatment, involving three major surgeries, countless procedures, radiation treatments and months of chemotherapy.  It was a brutal time for both of us.  I helped her, encouraged her, nursed her, changed dressings, cleaned her and other things that don’t need to be mentioned.  And I worried about her.  I laid awake at nights listening for her and what she may need or what complication may come next.

I was her coach.  I encouraged her when even my own hope was waning.  I also fed her.  Have you ever tried to cook for and feed a person who would vomit even at a smell sometimes or just because of the Chemo coursing through her veins.  And even if the nausea had subsided, she had no appetite at all.  Then, there were the times when she did like something and that was her fallback sustenance until that one day I would fix it for her and she couldn’t stomach it ever again.  Yeah it was a fun time.

Prolonged hospital stays.  Unexpected complications.  Going to Mayo Clinic when doctors in a major metropolitan area threw up their hands.  Dealing with Doctors and hospitals when she was too weak to speak up.  Just being her advocate out to and against the world.  And I did it well.

Yes, I did it well…or as well as I or anyone I know could have…as well as anyone who was also being affected by the trauma could do.  And yes, she/we made it through it.  She now has a clean bill of health which in a cancer patient’s life means all is clear, but you will have lingering effects of the surgeries and chemo, and you will have continued exams and scans for years to come.  But yes she is healthy again and back to work and getting back to her life.

I have been trying to get back to my life lately and it doesn’t seem to be working for me as well as it is for her.   I’ve tried to figure it out.  For nearly a year and a half, I have left much of my life behind because of this.  Much of my regular activity and even man stuff around the house and yard were let go.  I kept up the house, cleaning wise, along with the help of our adult children, but lawn maintenance, house maintenance and upkeep, and a number of other things that are a part of my regular life and routine were laid aside.  Hobbies and interests were put aside too.  Nothing got totally out of hand but nothing was really under control either.  Why, because my life was her and her cancer, period.  And now, all of a sudden—it seems like all of a sudden to me—it’s over.  She’s well and I don’t have to hover and nurse and take care  and listen for pain or breathing or groans.  I don’t have to hold her hand and comfort or encourage her, or even take her temperature.  I don’t have to go to sleep wondering if it’s another trip back to the ER.  I don’t have to go to sleep wondering if I will wake to a morning without her.

And that’s all good.  It’s great!  But I’m left feeling lost and purposeless and empty.  It was so intense and all consuming that I was fully given over to it and now it’s over.  I wondered at this feeling for  quite a while until it finally seemed to dawn on me.  I have what seems to be a combination of a type of PTSD and Empty Nest Syndrome.  I am left emotionally wacked by the experience while at the same time, my baby has left the nest.  Her need for me has changed.  We have a good relationship and realize our mutual need for each other, but that complete helpless dependency that was there is no longer and leaving it behind and shifting gears back to regular life seems hard for me.  Like a parent, this is who I was and what I was about for a significant amount of time.  “This is who I was.”  Now I’m not.  And I’m not sure what to do about it.  I’ve found it hard to resume regular activities.  She is doing a good job of reminding me that she doesn’t need that kind of help any more when I do start to hover, but in some ways I’m lost for the time being.

I suppose it will just take time to rediscover myself post-cancer caregiver.  I suppose it will be a “recovery” type process for me.  Maybe a little bit at a time my purpose, meaning and identity will recover and I will not feel empty but whole, complete, and myself again.  With that, our relationship will hopefully recover, as well, from caregiver/patient to husband and wife partners.  That would be cool.

Maybe what I need is a new hobby.

I Remember the First Earth Day

Yes, I am old enough to remember the first Earth Day.  I was a senior in high school.  It was the end of the 60's--the real Age of Enlightenment, you know.  Yeah, we were enlightened, all right.  Actually, not so much.  We wore the bell bottoms and love beads, and grew our hair, or at least most of us did, but it was someone else who really cared enough about the environment to bring about such things as Earth Day.

As I said, we were still in high school and being such, we were taught about the environment and earth day, and given an assignment to do a project concerning the environment.  I did a lame poster.  Everyone did a lame poster.  Hey, it was the first Earth Day.  We didn't have much history to support us.  Rick Brown also did a fairly lame poster.  Rick was a brainiac of sorts.  When I said that most of us wore the bell bottoms etc., Rick was not part of the "most".  When the rest of us were growing our hair long to be different, Rick wore his own hair style.  As I remember it, he wore his hair in a length of about two inches long standing straight up without the help of what we call today, product.  When asked why he wore it that way, his response was something to the effect that the prominent thought of the day is going natural, and that this was how his hair naturally went.  That's the way Rick was, self assured but different.

Rick did a lame Earth Day poster project too.  Well, it was a poster project, it may not have been lame.  I don't remember, but that's not the point of this writing.  What has stuck in my memory to this day, is how he arrived at school the morning of earth day.  He was wiped out--totally out of breath and barely able to walk.  You see, Rick had ridden his bike to school that day.  His bike wasn't a 36 speed racing bike like might be ridden today.  His bike wasn't even a 10 or a 3 speed bike like was becoming regular for the time.  Rick had ridden his heavy weight, single speed, fat tired behemoth of a bike seven miles to school that morning.  Had he missed the bus?  No.  Were there other extenuating circumstances?  No.  Then why?  His response was, "It's Earth Day.  I decided to choose the least polluting form of transportation I could think of to get to school today."  Wow.  I don't know how many others were impressed, but I definitely was.  So much so that I have remembered it to this day.

Rick got it--Rick made a choice that mattered--on the first earth day...and I remember.

I made a poster.  It had trees on it, I think.  I don't remember.

Texas Survival Rules

A full blown Norwegian Minnesotan friend of mine was making his first visit to Texas a while back (George W. was still in office).  Since I had lived in that glorious state twice in my lifetime, and had lived to tell about it, I decided to give my friend some advice on what to prepare for and how to behave.  Below are the contents of my "Texas Survival Rules" for him.

John,

Since you are about to embark on your first visit to Texas, there are a few things you should know.

1. Repellent. You will need it.

• Not only mosquita repellent (yes they do have them down there),

• Rattle snake repellent (also Copperhead and Cotton Mouth),

• Poisonous Spider repellent (Black Widow and Brown Recluse, they use gopher traps for the tarantulas),

• Scorpion repellent,

• Big Huge Ass wasp repellent (they have a hornet down there which is at least 2" in length and they affectionately call them "bird killers"),

• Red Ant repellent,

• Fire Ant repellent,

• Killer Bee repellent (they have made it that far north),

• Roach repellent (they call them sewer roaches and the AKC is considering naming them a new breed.),

• Bull repellent, lots of 'em and mean.

• RedNeck Repellent, lots of em and mean.

• And I know there's more, but it's been a while since I've been down there.

2. Oh, yes. Armodillos are known to carry leprosy so don't pick up any road kill no matter how well intact it may seem. I learned that one from a guy we called no nose lefty.

3. Leave any and all of your accordians at home. If it ain't a fiddle, guitar or piano, you can't make music on it!

4. Learn to say ya'll and intersperse it into every sentence. And it is only one syllable.

5. Chewing any tobacco product will get you in good with just about any Texan, especially if you don't spit. Real men only spit goobers. Learn to swallow. You should be able to control the vomitting in about a week.

6. Start now and learn to eat really spicey food without gagging, screaming, or whimpering.  You should be able to control the vomitting and/or diarrhea in about a week.  Also, after eating real Texan spicey food, try to control the screaming or whimpering while in the bathroom the next day.

6. Don't try to fake the cowboy dress thing. They can smell a drugstore cowboy a mile away. Pointy toed boots are only worn north of the red river or maybe in East Texas which isn't considered a real part of Texas anyway.

7. Remember our President is from Texas and Texas invented the concept of "home boy". Keep your opinions of him to yourself unless you want to be lumped in with the Dixie Chicks.

8. Liquor. It is not easy to find around there. Parts of towns, and counties are still dry down there. You will be looked down upon for having a drink. However, snake repellent is another matter. It is encouraged.

9. Last, but not least . . .. Don't mention you know me. It’s been thirty years. Boy, can those people carry a grudge.



Anyway, I hope this has helped and you truly enjoy your first trip to Texas.


Your Buddy, Stud Terrapin

Man Handling the Ice Dam

I live in Minnesota. It has its blessings and curses. We usually have beautiful summers. Rarely does it get over 90 in the summer. One of the curses is, summer only lasts for a few hours, and if summer comes on a Sunday, we usually have a picnic. The jokes abound about our weather. We really don’t have summer in Minnesota, just three weeks of bad snow skiing—or ice fishing— or snowmobiling—or whatever winter sport you desire. You may get from my drift (ha, get it?  drift?) that I am NOT writing this during our beautiful, though fleeting summertime. I am writing this in the Long Dark Tea Time of our Souls called winter in Minnesota. It is in this setting that anyone even slightly familiar with Shakespeare understands the term, “winter of our discontent.” And this winter has definitely brought its share of discontent.  As of today, January 30, 2011, we have had officially 55 ½ inches of snow in the Twin Cities, with 4 to 6 inches more promised by tomorrow night. This snow has also come with the attendant low temps which have reached an actual 16 degrees below zero in our area (we don’t worry about wind chill in our state because the actual temperature is bad enough). North of me, it has been much colder, but I think this has been cold enough. Of course there’s always some moron who will ask, “Cold enough for you?” to which I usually respond with a well placed punch to the face. I know I’m not the only one. Once I actually got arrested for this action. When I went to court, all I had to do was tell the judge why. He considered it justifiable physical assault and threw the case out. In fact, he sentenced the other guy to thirty days of shoveling my driveway. His reasoning was a legal term I hadn’t heard before. He called it criminal annoyance. Personally, I think it should be enforced more often.

As I said earlier, this winter has been one that memories, albeit bad ones, are made of. One thing that all Minnesotans are dealing with this year is ice dams--record setting ice dams. If you are not of the initiated, ice dams are ridges of ice that build up along the lowest edge of a snow covered roof. They form by snow melting on the upper parts of the roof and upon reaching the cold air at the edge of the roof it refreezes. This happens over and over until a large “dam” of ice has built up on the edge of the roof. The problem with ice dams is that they then “dam up” the flowing water made up of melted snow forcing it back under the shingles where it can leak through the roof and cause damage in the house. I’ve heard from a number of people this year who have suffered water damage in their houses from ice dams. I am lucky in the fact that I have long overhanging eves on my house, so the water doesn’t get in the house, but it does get into the eve portions and I get a lot of water in the soffits. This disturbs me since I just put new fascia and soffits on the back side of my house this year. I Do Not want to do it again. So I, like almost every other house owner in our area have been faced with how to get rid of the ice dams.

Earlier this winter I went to the hardware store and got a new big cold chisel (interesting name for how I planned to use it), a small pick axe type hammer, and a long handled special chisel used to chip big holes in the ice on frozen lakes for fishing through said ice holes in quite inclement weather. Another great winter sport partaken of in Minnesota. I wasn’t planning on any ice fishing expeditions in the near future. I was going after the ice dam. I then spent hours busting up part of the dam on the south side of the house where it was worst. I didn’t get far, and afterwards, due to the joys of arthritis, I was in some significant pain for a couple of days. I also had numerous small lacerations scattered all over my face, neck and ears from flying shards of ice. Who knew that frozen water could be so sharp? Anyway, my efforts were somewhat successful, and the forced back flow of melting snow was abated for a time. I knew it wouldn’t last, however. As I said earlier, we have had a lot of snow, and that snow has to melt and refreeze some time.

One of those sometimes—I’m sure others will come—came this weekend. We have had a few warmer days which are just made for melting snow on the roof, coupled with cold night temps which are quite effective in refreezing it on the edge again. Yes, all over the neighborhood, the tink tink tink, tap tap tap, and chip chip chip of home owners doing battle with the ice dams could be heard on Saturday as I looked up at my eves and cringed in trepidation. I knew I had to face it, but was putting it off. I wasn’t really procrastinating; I was trying to figure out a way I could tackle the daunting task with more efficiency and less pain. I had already spent $40 on specialty tools earlier. They had worked, but not to the efficiency I had hoped. So while I was mulling this over, I openly mused to my wife, Gayle, “I wish I could get hold of a small jack hammer to handle the ice dams.” While she voiced her concern at that concept, a light bulb lit up over my head. She didn’t see it but I knew it was there. I didn’t have a small jack hammer, but I did have its smaller, hand held, air operated cousin. I, being the tool monger and sometimes mechanic that I am, did have a pneumatic air hammer in my possession. I have used it on many occasions to noisily chisel through steel, so why not use it on ice? I believed I was on to something here. A quick stop at the hardware store for a new chisel to use with the air hammer and a protective face shield for reasons alluded to earlier, and I was ready to tackle the ice dams like the man that I am.

So, after running the air line from my compressor in the garage, I climbed the ladder and went to work. It was a beautiful thing! Ice was flying! Big chunks! Small chips! It didn’t matter. I was on a roll. I was master of my ice dam! I was having a ball, and the testosterone was runnin’ high. A man and his powerful tool—it doesn’t get any better than that. Air hammers, however are definitely not the quietest tool in the box. They are, in fact quite noisy, but that’s part of their appeal. That’s part of what’s cool about any power tool—noise! How can you tell that they are power tools unless they make noise? And that noise seems to have a strange pied piper sort of allure to men. Johnson from next door, his arm now in a sling from his non-powered ice dam removal, peeked over the fence in envy. Hammel from behind took a peek. I’m sure Fredrikson and Haynes took a look too, but they were a bit more stealthy than the others. I had, in a single moment, with my ingenious employment of an air hammer to blast away my ice dams, become the unrivaled hero of all men in our neighborhood. And I was liking it. Take that Johnson with that big new fancy truck of yours—and you Hammel, you and your swimming pool—and how about you Fredrikson, with your zero turn riding lawn mower—and finally you Haynes, you and your fancy power boat. None of you have the ultimate ice dam air hammer, do you? Arghh, Arghh, Arghh!

So, yes, its winter in Minnesota, and in the cities, they’re carrying on the annual winter celebration. One of the big draws of this celebration is the ice sculpture contest. I can’t believe some people do this stuff for fun. The rest of us do it because we have to, to save our homes. Mine may not win any prizes. What I had left did not resemble anything that someone would marvel at, but I did accomplish the task set before me in record setting time. I think, maybe this could be a competition for next year’s Winter Carnival—speed ice dam removal. Now that’s one competition I could get into. I may even try it, but only if I can use my monster air hammer.

So the ugly, daunting task is done, and I don’t ache too badly from it, though with 3500 blows per minute from the air hammer pounding the palm of my hand, I may soon be a candidate for carpal tunnel surgery.  Oh, well.  Sometimes glory comes with a price.  But, oh, the glory!