What Women Find Sexy

Men, have you ever wondered what is sexy to a real woman? By a real woman, I don't mean one that only lives in your imagination or on the pages of magazines. I mean a woman who will stay around a while—a woman who will love you and put up with your man stuff. I am speaking from some experience here. I have been married for quite a while to a very lovely, real woman, and have done some forced research on the subject.

Now you would think that wearing rugged manly clothes would really turn a woman on, but she tells me that the old worn out jeans, boots, and the flannel shirt with holes in it don’t really do it. When I am in a bit of a feisty mood, sexually, and am wearing my man clothes or my favorite college team T-shirt and hat after my team has laid waste to their opponents, I have attempted a “come on” to her only to find that the mood is not reciprocal in any way.

Being a bit of a hunter, I have come home from a kill, all manned up and full of testosterone only to hear her say I need a shower, a shave and a change. My poker-playing persona doesn’t seem to do it either. Sitting there with a pile of chips in front of me, having vanquished my foes in good order, smelling of victory (sweat, beer, and cigars) doesn’t trip any triggers of attraction with my mate. I was stumped for many years at what really was attractive to my mate. I know that I had been attractive to her at times in the past, but I had not really taken the time to figure out why. Being a man, I just took advantage of the situation and asked no questions. Becoming more comfortable in the ongoing relationship, I did as so many other people do; I eased into my more real self and come to find that my attractiveness seemed to wane or fluctuate at best. I didn’t understand it, and began to wonder why. Loving my wife and our relationship, however I decided to conduct some personal research on the subject to try and better my odds (there’s that gambling thing again).


For many years I was bewildered as I methodically tried to ascertain the key or keys to unlocking the mystery. I tried buying her things. I found that flowers did it many times, but not always. Flowers from a man dressed in hunting clothes was less effective than from a man dressed in dockers and a nice shirt. I tried fine chocolates, but found that this was at times a total mistake. If she was watching her weight, which is almost constant for most women, giving her sweets was worse than smelling of deer scent. So, OK, watching her weight. I gave her an exercise bike. I’m here to tell you that was definitely not the key to me being more attractive to her, and it seemed to effect my attractiveness for quite some time. I tried buying her fancy sleepwear. No go. I tried buying myself sexy under things, thinking that would be the ticket. Not so. In fact that only got a good laugh. Not what I was trying for at all.

I stumbled on one thing by mistake and wondered at it for quite a while. The company she worked for had an annual semi-formal gathering every year, and I was almost forced to wear a tux to the event. This happened for three years running. After the second year I began to notice a pattern. She seemed to be very lovey to me for no apparent reason. After the third year, I began to realize that it might be the tux. This point was further supported by the fact that a young gay man flirted with me a good part of that third night. Now what the hell would a young attractive (I guess) gay man be doing flirting with the likes of me, a middle aged, chubby, balding man? After scoring that night, with my wife, not the gay guy, I started to realize that I might actually be on to something. I wasn’t able to do further research, however, since I had to return the tux the next day.

I seemed to stumble onto other triggers of female attraction as my research continued. It seemed that evenings after a long day of house cleaning went far better than days of such things as watching football or any other type of sports. I did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen for some odd reason one time and the results were headline worthy. Was it a coincidence or not? I wasn’t sure until I picked up my dirty clothes and actually did a load of laundry all by myself completely by mistake one day. Another headline. To further my research, I actually cooked a meal and then cleaned up the kitchen. Stop the presses! We have a breaking story! What was going on? The subject was showing behavior that was truly contrary to what my male mind would expect. Was there a connection between my activities and her amorous responses? It couldn’t be. Or could it? I pressed on with my research.

I stumbled onto another bewildering trigger to my goal of romance purely by accident this last week. I am a man who hasn’t kept his garage in very good order for many years. As I see it, a garage is just so much storage space. I have, however spent the last couple of months cleaning it out in the attempt to turn it into a clean and well-ordered workshop. The unexpected result has been that now I am able to fit a car into the garage when needed. So, when a snowstorm hit our area this last week, I told my significant other that she could pull her car into the garage for the night. Nothing happened that night, but the next night—Wow! What was this all about? So, she didn’t have to scrape the windows and brush off the snow. Big deal. But it seemed to be a big deal to her. Now I’m faced with a quandary, deal with the familiar rejections to my manly advances or lose my workshop to her car. Tough choice.

So, this is what my research has turned up. A man is never more attractive to a woman than when he is cleaned up and wearing formal wear, doing some sort of house cleaning, or giving up his man-cave for her parking comfort. Does this make any sense at all? Not to my male mind. Women are attractive to men for a whole list of different reasons, most of which are not easily definable. A look, a smile, a special way they wear their hair, a special outfit, or especially no outfit at all. But do I want to do dishes just to reap the rewards? Do I want to keep my dirty clothes picked up or relinquish my man-cave merely for the prize that I seek? I can’t do it! At least not in an ongoing pattern. I want my garage back, and housework sucks, period. That’s one of the reasons God gave us women.

I am not willing to live totally without loving physical relations in my life, however. That’s why I went out yesterday and bought myself a tuxedo. I figure the price of a tuxedo is a lot cheaper than the price of any of the other options. Now all I have to do is come up with a good explanation of why I’m wearing the damned thing when I’m hunting, fishing, or playing poker. I wonder if a camo tuxedo would do the trick?





Oh, and one last observation. It doesn’t hurt to trim the nose hairs once in a while.


Who knew?