Texas Survival Rules

A full blown Norwegian Minnesotan friend of mine was making his first visit to Texas a while back (George W. was still in office).  Since I had lived in that glorious state twice in my lifetime, and had lived to tell about it, I decided to give my friend some advice on what to prepare for and how to behave.  Below are the contents of my "Texas Survival Rules" for him.

John,

Since you are about to embark on your first visit to Texas, there are a few things you should know.

1. Repellent. You will need it.

• Not only mosquita repellent (yes they do have them down there),

• Rattle snake repellent (also Copperhead and Cotton Mouth),

• Poisonous Spider repellent (Black Widow and Brown Recluse, they use gopher traps for the tarantulas),

• Scorpion repellent,

• Big Huge Ass wasp repellent (they have a hornet down there which is at least 2" in length and they affectionately call them "bird killers"),

• Red Ant repellent,

• Fire Ant repellent,

• Killer Bee repellent (they have made it that far north),

• Roach repellent (they call them sewer roaches and the AKC is considering naming them a new breed.),

• Bull repellent, lots of 'em and mean.

• RedNeck Repellent, lots of em and mean.

• And I know there's more, but it's been a while since I've been down there.

2. Oh, yes. Armodillos are known to carry leprosy so don't pick up any road kill no matter how well intact it may seem. I learned that one from a guy we called no nose lefty.

3. Leave any and all of your accordians at home. If it ain't a fiddle, guitar or piano, you can't make music on it!

4. Learn to say ya'll and intersperse it into every sentence. And it is only one syllable.

5. Chewing any tobacco product will get you in good with just about any Texan, especially if you don't spit. Real men only spit goobers. Learn to swallow. You should be able to control the vomitting in about a week.

6. Start now and learn to eat really spicey food without gagging, screaming, or whimpering.  You should be able to control the vomitting and/or diarrhea in about a week.  Also, after eating real Texan spicey food, try to control the screaming or whimpering while in the bathroom the next day.

6. Don't try to fake the cowboy dress thing. They can smell a drugstore cowboy a mile away. Pointy toed boots are only worn north of the red river or maybe in East Texas which isn't considered a real part of Texas anyway.

7. Remember our President is from Texas and Texas invented the concept of "home boy". Keep your opinions of him to yourself unless you want to be lumped in with the Dixie Chicks.

8. Liquor. It is not easy to find around there. Parts of towns, and counties are still dry down there. You will be looked down upon for having a drink. However, snake repellent is another matter. It is encouraged.

9. Last, but not least . . .. Don't mention you know me. It’s been thirty years. Boy, can those people carry a grudge.



Anyway, I hope this has helped and you truly enjoy your first trip to Texas.


Your Buddy, Stud Terrapin